Top 27 Funniest Quotes by George Carlin (You Will LOL)

George Carlin was a stand-up comedian beyond compare. Known particular for his black comedy, Carlin loved to poke fun on and bring to the limelight many normalized aspects of society. His favorite topics included politics, language, psychology and religion.

Carlin was awarded the Mark Twain prize for American humor in the year 2008, a few months after he passed away. And very recently (in 2017), he was ranked second in the Rolling Stone magazine’s list of 50 best stand-up comics of all time. The first being Richard Pryor.

Here is a collection of 23 insanely clever and funny quotes by Carlin that will make you laugh out loud! Probably, even get you to ROFL! So let’s begin, shall we?




Vegetarians and Animal crackers - George Carlin funny quote
Thanks Libby for the crackers.

#1. “Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

#2. “Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

#3. “My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!”

Meaning of life - George Carlin funny quote

#4. “Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

#5. “What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”

World is a stage - George Carlin funny quote

#6. “If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”

#7. “I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.”

Email meaning - George Carlin funny quote

#8. “I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.”

#9. “The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

#10. “I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn’t find an opening.”

American dream - George Carlin funny quote
Thanks David for the Koala

#11. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

#12. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

#13. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

Glass half full - George Carlin funny quote

#14. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

#15. “If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?”

#16. “How is it possible to have a civil war?”

#17. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

#18. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

Butterfly gets publicity - George Carlin funny quote

#19. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

#20. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

Weather forecast - George Carlin funny quote
@Patrick Carr

#21. “Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

#22. “Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

#23. “I will tell you one thing – the future, ain’t what it used to be.”

#24. “If a safe is unlocked, is it still a safe?”

#25. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

#26. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”

#27. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

So that was our collection of the best rib tickling quotes of George Carlin. Which was the quote that made you laugh out the most?