50 Funny One Liner Quotes That Will Leave You In Splits! (With Images)

Laughter is good for you. The following is our hand picked collection of 50 of the funniest one line quotes that is sure to leave you in splits. These quotes are not only funny, they are also pretty clever. So enjoy!

If history repeats itself, I want a dinosaur - funny one line quote
Now if only I could teach him to play fetch!

“If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!” ― anonymous

“Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” ― Colleen Hoover

“A politician is someone who promises a bridge even when there’s no water” ― Gregory David Roberts

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun” – Stephen Colbert

“Surely after a milkshake has been shaken, shouldn’t it be called a milkshook?” ― Leo M

“Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

Important thing to remember is not to forget - funny one liner quote
Note to self!

“The important thing to remember is not to forget” ― Benny Bellamacina

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ― Jerry Seinfeld

“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.” ― Marian Keyes

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” ― George Carlin

“No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it” ― Fernando Pessoa

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine's day - funny one liner quote

“Money can’t buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

“I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.” ― Karl Pilkington

“Vegetables – what food eats before it becomes food.” ― David Weber

“When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.” ― Hank Moody

“If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking?” ― Regina Griffin

Water is essential because it makes coffee - Karen Salmansohn funny one liner quote

“Water is the most essential element in life, because without it you can’t make coffee.” ― Karen Salmansohn

“Although life and I are not always in love with each other, we do remain on close speaking terms.” ― Brian Randleas Harmony

“Beauty lies in the LIES of the beholder!” ― Ashok Kallarakkal

“If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!” ― Sid Bolon

“I consider myself to be pretty normal, in an insane kind of way…” ― Gerri R. Gray

Happiness is knowing you have two hours left to sleep - funny one liner quote

“Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.” ― Charles M. Schultz

“If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!” ― Tom Althouse

“The early bird catches the worm, but what about the early worm?” – Anonymous

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.” ― Albert Camus

“He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.” ― Carroll Bryant

All I have is me, myself and I - funny one line quote

“All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.” ― Carl White

“Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.” ― Addison C. Arthur

“Holidays were invented so single women could overeat without feeling guilty.” ― Elizabeth Jane Howard

“A signature always reveals a man’s character, and sometimes even his name.” ― Evan Esar

“I’m not Weird I’m Limited Edition!” ― Aliaha Brown

My favorite quote in the world is this one - funny one liner

“My favorite quote in the world is this one.” ― Richelle E. Goodrich

“Salad isn’t food. Salad is what food eats.” ― Sariah Wilson

“If you drink anymore, you’re going to be positively flammable.” ― Michaela Haze

“I just looked at the calendar and realized – my days are numbered” ― Johnny Moscato

“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” ― James Denton

An apple a way keep anyone away - funny Stephen Colbert one line quote
“An apple a way keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough” – Stephen Colbert

“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” ― Robert Brault

“The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.” ― Lance Manion

“Chicken salad with egg in it is very interesting way to eat two generations.” ― Fuad Alakbarov

“Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?” ― Oliver Markus Malloy

“Life before toilet paper was not worth living.” ― Sherrilyn Kenyon

“An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.” ― Fakeer Ishavardas

“Whenever you fall, always pick something up.” ― Avery

Weather forecast - George Carlin funny quote
@Patrick Carr

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” ― George Carlin

“I went to buy a candle holder but the store did not have one, so I brought a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg

“This jacket is dry clean only, which means it’s dirty.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I could be a morning person — but only if morning started at noon!” ― Carol Storm

“Don’t waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop!” ― EverSkeptic

“I remixed a remix and it became normal again.” – Mitch Hedberg

If you are reading this, you definitely seem to have enjoyed these quotes. Do let us know which one was your most favorite quote that made you laugh out loud.