31 Wittiest Mitch Hedberg Quotes (With Images)

When it comes to stand up comedy, it’s hard to find anyone who can match Mitch Hedberg’s surreal jokes and unconventional style of delivery. He was a comic genius who did not resort to using abusive language or controversial stuff to get laughs. He would just stand there and deliver one witty one-liner after another highlighting the absurdities of everyday life. It wouldn’t be wrong to call him – ‘The King of One Liner Jokes’.

Here is a collection of 31 of his funniest quotes that will leave your gut split open with laughter.

Mitch Hedberg - funny candle holder quote
What better candle holder than a cake?

I went to buy a candle holder but the store did not have one, so I brought a cake.”

If you can understand Morse code, a tap dancer will drive you crazy.”

Mitch Hedberg - Funny quote on kitkats
I like kitkats unless I am with four or more people.

I like an escalator, cause an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.”

I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who will be really mad, if she heard me say that.”

Alcoholism is the only disease you can get yelled at for having.”

Mitch Hedberg - funny haircolor quote

I got my hair highlighted, cause I thought some strands were more important than others.

I used to do drugs, I still do, but I used to too.

Wearing a turtle neck is like being strangled by a really week guy, all day long!

Mitch Hedberg - Funny quote on dryclean only jackets
What’s that odor? 🙂

This jacket is dry clean only, which means it’s dirty.

I tried to walk into target, but I missed.

I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over weather or not I have bread.

If you are watching a parade, make sure you are standing in one spot. Don’t follow it, it never changes.

Mitch Hedberg - Funny quote on parades
Yawn! Parade’s are boring!

If you don’t like the parade, run in the opposite direction, you will fast forward the parade.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

Last week I helped my friend stay put, it’s not easy helping someone move.

Mitch Hedberg - Funny quote on eating rice
Waiter, bring me 2000 rices!

I like rice. Rice is great when you are hungry and you want 2000 of something.

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around, but what they are really saying is, I can’t knit, get this away from me.

I am against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg - Funny quote on following dreams
Hey dreams, wait up, not so fast!

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Do you believe in gosh?

I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.

When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kind of like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.

Mitch Hedberg - Funny quote on flies
“Lands” are so annoying!

A fly was very close to being called a land, cause that’s what they do half the time.

I bought a jump rope – but man, that thing’s just a rope. You have to do the jump part yourself.

Mitch Hedberg - Funny quote on remixes

I remixed a remix and it became normal again.

I was gonna get my teeth whitened but then I decided to get a tan instead.

Is the hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or a really cool, opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg - funny tennis quote-10
Damn you wall!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

If you are a fish and you want to become a fish stick, you got to have very good posture.

I went to the store and brought 8 apples, the clerk said, ‘you want me to put them in a bag?‘ and I said, ‘oh no man, I juggle‘.

Which was your favorite quote of Mitch? Let us know in the comments below!